Tag: #gretchenrubin

The Privilege of Treating Myself

In Gretchen Rubin’s book, Better than Before, she talked about treats:

If I give more to myself, I can ask more from myself.

In the world of fairness, that sounds absolutely fair!!! Haha!! The idea that I can give more, ask more and eventually, be more and have more – it is such an awesome idea!

When we don’t get any treats, we feel depleted, resentful, and angry, and justified in self-indulgence. We start to crave comfort – and we’ll grab that comfort wherever we can, even if it means breaking good habits.

So the opposite is true – when we constantly deprive ourselves, we end up rebelling and doing things that we know are not good for us. The little kid in us wants to throw a tantrum and get what we want, regardless of its consequences. And we eventually give up our good habits.

But it’s important for obligers to have treats. They’re susceptible to burnout, self-deprivation, or too much work for benefit of others, may lead them to feel resentful, neglected or deprived

As an obliger, this is so true for me. I am in the habit of always thinking of ways to make others happy – that I would do whatever I can to make it happen, within my power to do so. And sometimes, I end up feeling depleted. By giving myself a treat, I feel I am “deserving” and hence, will be more willing to continue my habit of meeting expectations, mine and others. The privilege of treating myself gives me the license to ask more from me. It is such a win-win situation – I get a treat and I get to be more!

Here’s a short list of my treats: a nice cuppa Earl Grey tea or hot chocolate at a fancy cafe, reading Agatha Christie’s book, eating beef steak and dark chocolate (maybe not together), walking at a beach, watching the rain fall, explore and travel, etc.

So. What’s your list of treats? Go treat yourself today!

Always Seek to be Better Than Before

I am currently reading Gretchen Rubin’s book called ‘Better Than Before – Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives’. In the book, she started with knowing yourself by your tendency, which she identified below:

1. UPHOLDERS respond readily to both outer and inner expectations
2. QUESTIONERS question all expectations, and will meet an expectation only if they believe it's justified
3. OBLIGERS respond readily to outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations
4. REBELS resist all expectations, outer and inner

Wow! I realize I am an Obliger – I am habitually doing things for people and what I believe they expect from me, and more. But I lack the same conviction to keep the promises I made to myself.

Obligers often dislike their tendency. They’re vexed by the fact that they can meet others’ expectations, but not their expectations for themselves

I was screaming in my head, YES! This is so true! I am totally frustrated when I fail to meet my own expectations.

The happiest and most successful people are those who have figured out ways to exploit their tendency to their benefit and just as important, found ways to counterbalance its limitations

This is what I have learnt and my actions taken so far:

  • I need external expectation to push me – that’s why I had publicly announced in my blog that I would post every Monday – and this has worked well starting this year 2024
  • I need an accountability partner – and I found one who keeps me accountable for my weekly blog posts and even give me great feedback on my posts
  • I need to do scheduling – I have setup an paid app called NotePlan and I am starting to do time blocking for my projects and daily tasks
  • I need to abstain from social media on my phone – after many failed attempts to curb my social media scrolling, I finally deleted both Facebook and Instagram apps on my phone last week (I can still access them through their websites but not so convenient)

Finding out my Obliger tendency has opened my eyes to understand why I fail badly without external expectations and how I can overcome it. I am glad that I am working toward becoming ‘Better Than Before’. Do check out the book and find out which tendency you are!